Forget fireworks.
Forget hot dogs, flag shorts, and the ghost of Betsy Ross.
Because this Fourth of July, one man—one glorious man—put America on his back… or more accurately, on his ass.
That man’s name is Mints, and his fat, juicy, production-grade dumptruck is now an American legend.
Who Is Mints?
You may not know him by name, but if you’ve watched Fishtank Live, you’ve felt his presence.
Mints is a silent sentinel behind the scenes, one of the mysterious production crew members who somehow manages to be both invisible and built like a Pixar mom.
He’s the kind of guy who lugs three camera rigs up a stairwell with a Red Bull in his mouth and a lav mic stuck to his thigh, all while his caboose claps like a standing ovation.
Fishtank fans began noticing the phenomenon sometime during Season 4. There were whispers in chat:
“Yo who got that thicc grip behind the boom mic?”
“Is that Mints or a CGI rendering of the Georgia peach emoji?”
“I thought the house had a subwoofer until I realized it was just Mints walking by.”
July 4th, 2025: The Prophecy Fulfilled
This year, Fishtank didn’t do a special Fourth of July stream. No watermelon-eating contests, no Aryeh accidentally lighting a sparkler in the shower.
But we got something better.
We got the flying debut of Mints’ cheeks.
At approximately 8:17 PM EST, NORAD detected a low-flying, unidentified wobbling mass heading west over Virginia.
Multiple civilians reported hearing “thunderous cheek percussion” followed by distant patriotic moans.
One man in Kentucky tweeted:
“I looked up to see the American flag… but instead I saw Mints’ ass. I wept. Then I saluted.”
How Did It Happen?
Sources say the Fishtank team was testing an experimental cheek-propelled flight rig, codenamed “Operation Bussy Jetstream”, which uses the raw kinetic force of Mints’ glutes to generate lift.
The initial plan was to hover over the Swansea Police Department and drop meatball subs as a morale boost.
But once Mints got airborne, there was no stopping him.
He ascended.
Above clouds.
Above drones.
Above ideology.
He became a spectacle of American engineering, a living bald eagle made of thighs and ambition.
The Aftermath
Cities across the East Coast reported spontaneous barbecues erupting as his silhouette passed overhead.
Spotify briefly went down as millions streamed “God Bless the USA” in unison.
A man in Maine claimed his cholesterol levels dropped just from standing in Mints’ shadow.
NASA has refused to comment.
Sam Hyde posted a video saluting with tears in his eyes and simply said,
“That’s the real Independence Day, brother.”
Mints: A New National Symbol?
Is it time to replace the bald eagle?
Should Mount Rushmore be updated with two big marble cheeks flanking Lincoln?
One thing’s for sure:
The spirit of America doesn’t just live in the heart of its people, it lives in the orbit of Mints’ juicy ass.
So this Fourth of July, when you hear the distant rumble in the sky…
Look up.
Feel the freedom.
And know that somewhere above the clouds, those cheeks still bussin’.
God bless Mints.
God bless America.
— cracka_jack