Juneteenth Without Burt: The Great Fishtank Whitewash Conspiracy

Today is Juneteenth. A day of freedom. A day of reflection. A day when the ancestors whisper through the ether, asking one question in unison:

“Where the hell is the Black guy on Fishtank Season 4?”

Let’s get this straight. Fishtank Live, that digital Truman Show where sanity goes to die and Sam Hyde plays God with a Red Bull in one hand and a taser in the other, has returned for Season 4—and somehow, it’s the whitest season yet. I mean bleached. Paper plate levels of white. This cast makes a mayonnaise sandwich look spicy.

And on Juneteenth, no less.

No Black contestants. No Black production crew. No Burt. Not even a cameo of a mysterious offscreen hand dropping hot sauce into the tank. The diversity is so absent, it feels like an executive decision made by Andrew Jackson’s ghost.

Now, we all remember Burt from previous seasons. A beacon of charisma, unpredictability, and genuine chaos energy. He didn’t just steal the show—he became the show. And what happened? Allegedly “removed.” But we know what that means. He was deleted. Canceled in the code. An algorithmic lynching. Probably replaced by five interns named Caleb who all vape the same mango pod.

So what do we get this season instead? A “creative direction” where every houseguest looks like they got lost on the way to a Proud Boys brunch. There’s a hog who only eats Xanax and snacks. A girl named Ellie who speaks in riddles. A dude named Aryeh who may or may not be part of Mossad. And yet—not a single ounce of melanin to be found.

I’m not saying it’s a conspiracy, but I’m also not not saying it’s a conspiracy.

Some theories:

• Sam Hyde struck a secret deal with the Confederate ghost of Robert E. Lee.
• They tried to cast a Black contestant, but he escaped during the orientation PowerPoint.
• There was a Juneteenth episode planned, but the production budget was spent on ketamine and raw denim.

It’s giving “Segregation Simulator 3000.” It’s giving Whitetank: Caucasia Chronicles. It’s giving reparations in reverse.

Let me be clear: I don’t want tokenism. I want Burt energy. I want someone yelling about anime conspiracies at 4am while cooking eggs shirtless. I want someone who will make the house feel alive, not like a Mormon youth retreat gone feral.

So on this Juneteenth, let us pour one out. Not for freedom. Not for the ancestors.

But for the soul of Fishtank, which clearly got gentrified somewhere between Season 3 and the void we now stare into.

Justice for Burt.
Diversity for the Tank.
And a blessed Juneteenth to all who still believe.

— cracka_jack